Post Punk Kitchen

Veganomicon’s more than a word
It’s a Vegan stampede in a herd
Demanding this book
To help them to cook
And worship their magic bean curd

So what if you don’t know the word?
Veganomicon–haven’t you heard?
It’s coming this way
Worth every cent that you pay
(And vegan foods don’t contain turd!)

Well, I tried.

Crap, I should read the other comments before posting mine so it’s not so eerily similar.

There was a vegan from New York
Who had a forum that used the word, Fork.
The food is all cruelty-free
As all food should be
Damn, I better go grab my spork!

There once was a vegan from Tempe
She loved to suck cork quite a plenty
With an Italian one night
Though try as she might
His erection was barely al dente.

Isa wrote few books without meat
She probably has stinky feet
she took people away
from my thread the whole day
I will not just bow in defeat!

Okay, so far I have two limericks. I forgot how much fun they were to write, so I may do some more. I hope there are not some syllable rules I’ve forgotten.

There once was a vegan named Jake
Who ate only meats which were fake
While tempeh and tofu
were foods he would go to
He could bake a delicious cupcake

Jill thought she was cruelty-free
Eating cows raised happily
but the meat on her plate
didn’t appreciate
her sacrificing un-vegan-ly

I usually think contests are lame
But I’ll play along with the game
‘Cause I want the new book
To eat, bake, and cook
The recipes from which the pics came

I love sassy girls from New York,
Mindy’s a joke without Mork
I want that signed book,
My heart aches to cook
I’ll serve it all up with a spork

Wow, you guys sure like sporks!

You people don’t know how to write,
Let me try to explain wrong from right,
limericks are dirty
are you all under 30?
submit something with lots more bite!

There was a young lady from Brooklin,
Who loved writing and eating and bookin’,
Her first books were awesome,
Hope the third one is also,
So my wife can do plenty more cookin’.

You don’t know me well but you should,
‘Tenacious’ describes me real good.
I’ll be in distress
Til I see UPS
Please pick one of my poems if you would?

In the kitchen, Isa was ill
Terry said “Isa, please chill”
“won’t you lay down a while”
Terry said with a smile
“you’re feeling the effects of the pill”.

I must put my kiddies to bed
My time is now up on this thread
It’s been a real slice
Isa, you are so nice
When you sign my book, will you use red?

FlamesStillBurns was sailing a boat
When Morrissey spied him afloat
“Meat is Murder” he cried
“All those poor pigs have died!”
“but [i]your[/i] sausage can slide down my throat!”

Ok, so I lied, I’m still here.
My mission in life is now clear.
They can read to eachother
They don’t need a mother
Now send me the book, would you dear?

To be vegan means more than “No Dairy!”
To those who’ve never tried – it seems scary.
But living cruelty-free
Feels better to me
And they got my back – that’s Isa and Terry!

i’m trying to learn to create
meat-and-dairy-free food for my plate.
miss isa, she cooks
and puts her recipes in books…
miss isa, please send me one now? i can’t wait!

Just a reminder – the limericks don’t have to be about me and Terry! Just veganism. Apples and wheatberries and stuff.

There once was a girl from the East
Who made her own nutritional yeast
She’d squat on a plate
And then she would wait
For the freegans to come for the feast

there once was a veg from nantucket
who ordered her nooch by the bucket
one dark cloudy day
she found it had whey
and in her frustration yelled “fuck it”

she’s only a vegan for 30 days
to see what health benefits it pays.
that ‘she’?
oh she’s me
veganomicon could erase my omni ways

Questions about veganism can truly vex
All we get are one’s like “No meat? No sex?”
They never want to know why the chickens need a- saving
Or why milking hurts the cows, or why sheep shouldn’t be a-shaven
But I want to know, why is veganism hated by fedex?

There once was a Son of Seitan
Who met clean fetishist from Clayton
She read what he wrote
rubbed his words out with soap–
Kiss My Face for those who be hatin’

gotta keep my bases covered, here’s a non-dirty one.

Our planet is all going to shit
A fact that few people admit
The cows burp and fart
Up pops a Wal*Mart
As I shine an apple off with my spit.

ok, that one sucked. Sorry.

Long ago, Isa realized, much to her dismay
That there was garlic stuck up her [friend's] vajayjay
Try as she might
The clove nowhere in sight
She screamed “fork!” then consulted the PPK

corn muffins, soy protein, oranges to,
pineapple, angel hair, herbs and tofu
spelt four, temph dogs, soymilk and such,
all things, sadly so, than my freinds wouldn’t touch

one day not too long in the past
isa passed a blast of some gas
since the smell was intense
we burned fragrant incense
she blamed it on fake cheese and fasting

xo
kittee

A special new book has been born
With apples and berries and corn
Instead of gross meats,
It’s got vegan eats?
Guaranteed to inspire food porn.

Who needs meat, who needs eggs, who needs cheese?
Quitting them all? It’s a breeze.
Wheatberries and apples
Just say no to the scrapple(s)
I get all I need from the trees

As a vegan, my food is delish
Without cruelty, dairy or fish.
There’s cupcakes, and jam,
chick peas, and some yams.
What more could anyone wish?

“So what CAN you eat?” the omni asks.
I laugh and say, “Oh, just twigs and grass.”
But as I eat my vegan grilled cheeze
And watch her scarf down Mickey D’s,
I am secretly thinking, “Jackass!!”

There once was a girl from Australia,
Who said vegan food never fails ya.
She pondered one thought -
is it vegan to fork?
As a guy’s big soy sausage impaled her.

A PPKer who really liked nooch,
Got a garlic clove stuck in her cooch,
She said “help me out please,
It ain’t a disease,”
And then she gave Isa a smooch.

Oops, hope it didn’t have to be too family friendly!

I just posted my limerick but accidentally submitted without my address, this one should have the address. Thanks!

I am a broke college chick.
Campus vegan food just makes me sick.
I can?t spare the price,
But it?d be rather nice
If you sent me a copy real quick!

Burgers and milk and wool
Use animals, so they?re not cool.
Cruelty-, dairy-, and meat-free
Is the best way to be.
Because everyone knows vegans rule.

There once was a man superstitional
Whose love for the earth was conditional
Eating cheese upon toast
He espied a cow ghost
And now flavors with yeast most nutritional.

there once was a round of cupcake test baking
a free book was the prize for this huge underatking
though i cooked and i cooked
i never got my free book
i’m beginning to think that isa was faking

There once was a vegan named Flames
The question still largely remains
If you bake just a few
And you hate Jews
Should I put in the book your dumb name?

PS Flames doesn’t really hate Jews and I do owe him a book and I did forget to put his name in it. I was just taking artistic license.

Follow south this ungodly meridian
To a city of forms non-Euclidean
And there disembark
In the terrible dark
To enjoy vegan meals less quotidian

There’s a girl in the Antipodes,
Who thought veganism would be a breeze,
Though she found no Tofurky,
Vegenaise, tempeh jerky,
Or truly fantastic soy cheese.

But all was not lost, because Terry
(And Isa, of course) were so very
Proficient with cupcakes,
And Fronch toast, and yeast flakes,
That they made her as fat as a berry.

Reading Veganomicon
it will become clear: hereon
I think I’ll die
if I can’t try
“Caesar Salad with crouton”

Vegans fear no more,
Isa’s knocking on your door.
Her recipes are the best
Putting omni’s to the test
Proving veganism is for both rich and poor.

Veganomicon
Got it goin’ on
Veganomicon
c’est si bon!
The ‘Nomicon
To count upon
’till your hunger’s gone.

what’chu bitches waitin’ on?

Hark, another cookbook!
I hope to soon have a look.
With recipes posh
and great vegan nosh
I’ll not miss the meat I forsook.

Isa Chandra Moskowitz
is clearly not some wee ditz.
With kitchen magick
her talents, they stick
to me, though my skills are just shitz.

I’ve heard you are what you eat
That explains my broccoli feet
But my nutritional yeast
Is an untamed beast
Not to mention my non-dairy teat

I’m told vegans are gentlefolk who’d,
Having animal products eschewed,
Prefer munching on sprouts
They’re incurable louts
Who will empty their spleens in your food.

She told me that eggs are not meat
And didn?t see why I can’t eat.
When I told her my reason,
She thought it was treason
And kicked me right out on my seat!

Here I am again, silly putz
My poetry I will futz
So come here and scoff
Or get pissed straight off
and kick me square in the nuts!

I just have to say..I love veggiekim’s limmerick!!!!

Oh, joy-the vegan haiku
and veggie limericks too!
For fame and glory
or fine poetry
my ramblings are nothing but goo.

I wanted to fork some tofu
but was afraid dazee’d be blue
so I cut up some seitan
to fake out my main man
then quickly switched them before he knew

vegan and dirty!
xo
kittee

I should have worn me a smock
or apron, boxers or a frock.
For, when cooking with oil
hotter than a boil
it splattered and burned my poor c*ck!

He said “Have i got a sausage for you”
She said, “Ah, but that it’s meat too”
They argued away
And he countered to say
“That’s ok, just don’t bite it or chew”

These two girls from Brooklyn did write,
A book of foods so yummy to bite.
Veganomicon is the name.
Cooking never will be the same.
Chickpea cutlets make everything right.

there’s a million and one things to eat
even for those shunning meat
vegans are clever
alter recipes for the better
be it savoury, salty or sweet

Isa and Terry, I acknowledge your awesomeness
without you all vegan diets would be remiss
apples and wheatberries and wheatgrass oh my
without you no vegans would be eating cupcakes or pie
So ye omnivores everywhere go take a piss

There once lived a vegan lad
Whose family thought him quite mad
But he cooked something nice
Stuffed tofu and rice
Food convinced them where words never had

MikeSunburn stop trying to steal the show
You’ve already won, we already know
Go back where you came from you’re not wanted here
Go attend to your freaky fake shrimp and beer
I must say your limericks were quite funny though

Have you heard the story of Bea?
She strived to live cruelty-free.
She cooked soups and knishes,
No meat in her dishes,
And said “it’s much kinder, you see?”

There was a bright girl from Kentucky,
Who thought dairy and meat tasted yucky.
On Amazon.com,
She found Veganomicon,
And said to herself, “damn, I’m lucky!”

hickory dickory dock
vegans eat meat but it’s mock
i am under thirty
so i won’t make this dirty
by ending with a joke about cock

–alternate version–

hickory dickory dock
vegans eat meat but it’s mock
some don’t know
it’s actually faux
soy and wheat ‘stead of meat is a shock

OH! I already ordered my copy, but this would be the PERFECT birthday present for my determined-to-be-vegan-by-the-end-of-the-year friend, who turns 30 on the 25th!!

a young vegan mom from chicago
suffered an easter embargo
she could dye not an egg
but her daughter did beg
so they dyed all their tofu indigo!

I knew I liked veggies before.
Tomatoes, green peppers and more.
But I was a tool
’til I went old-skool
and saved mo’ lives by going hard-core.

“Meat is just food, as you know,
It’s part of the old quid pro quo:
I produce pain,
and then my stocks gain!”,
said the company’s crass C.E.O.

My jaw dropped when I heard this quote.
I couldn’t chew what he lived to promote!
That’s when I knew
to plants I’d be true
’cause my money is my biggest vote!

there once was a poem from limerick.
’twas about an old bloke and this one chick,
can’t remember it now.
you don’t care anyhow!
we’ll have seitan or tofu, your pick.

Years have I lived with no friend.
With whom many hours to spend.
Then came the day
I found PPK.
My search has now come to an end.

ohkae! i’ll try!

there once was a vegan from space,
who tried so hard to find her place.
she searched and she tried,
and she baked and she cried,
but with isa she found her good grace.

with isa she wouldn’t be sad
even if she was crazy and mad -
her food was amazing,
her bod best for gazing,
and with that who wouldn’t be glad?

There was once was a vegan from Brooklyn
Who was smitten with eatin’ and cookin’
Sauteed tofu and more
She did quite adore
They’re both tasty and oh so good lookin’.

There was once was a vegan from Brooklyn
Who was smitten with eatin’ and cookin’
At making seitan and tofu
Isa was no foo’
With recipes both tasty and good lookin’.

one day on the ground in the street
i saw this poor bird call “tweet! tweet!”
i thought it outloud -
“how could someone be proud
to eat such a thing that’s so sweet?”

(it is more vegan themed than the last one…)

My date likes to fondle the fruit.
My asparagus thinks it’s quite cute.
But when en route
to a steamy en cro?te
beware the covert ginger root.

Two lasses names Isa and Terry
Came a-rockin? my world without dairy
They?ve done it again
And we all say AMEN
We will cook, eat and drink and be merry

i once met this jewess ‘a cookin’
they was no finer vegans in brooklyn
she showed up in my ‘hood
dang her muffins was good
her big dishes so very good lookin’

Oops, Type-o. Here it is again

Two lasses named Isa and Terry
Came a-rockin? my world without dairy
They?ve done it again
And we all say AMEN
We will cook, eat and drink and be merry

i recall when the forums weren’t filled with such lameness
VWAV was new, before isa was famous
i know what you’ll say
nothing gold can e’er stay
but can we trade back mike sunburn for sameness?

Welfarist? Abolitionist? Libertarian?
Please stop all of this harryin’
For the animals’ sakes
Share vegan pancakes
And turn the whole world vegetarian

(actual 3rd grade writing:)

I like veganism the most
Because I get to eat the stuff other people think is gross!
Try some tofu,
Hamburgers are not for you!

I looked into her brown eyes,
And realized, inside, we are the same size,
No more animals could I eat,
My concience was beat,
This dog had given me the prize.

i eavesdrop. yes, i know that that’s rude.
and sometimes i hear things quite lewd
“ooh make it steamy!”
“i like it creamy!”
vegans pretend they’re just talking ’bout food

———-

vegans could live past 120
cause they eat out the horn of plenty
(psst isa chandra
’twas a double entendre
i hope that you got what i meant-y)

hahaha!

invited to a vegan potluck
next time i won’t cook cause i suck
i brought some ribz
but no one called dibs
only me tried my melted sheese duck

Hark, ’tis the chime of the sweet dinner bell

They won’t find the meat that they know so well

With veggies and tofu

They’ll scoff ’cause they’re so cruel

Well, those meanies can go right to hell!

***

Vegans are known for their bitchin’

But at least we know where our food’s been

With Isa’s great new book

You can learn how to cook

Let the vegan revolution begin!

Apples and wheatberries and stuff
Are good and delicious. Enough!
I’d like me a roast
And some bacon on toast.
Just kidding. Please don’t call my bluff.

On my toast I like to smother
Ricemellow Creme and peanut butter,
Slice up some bananas,
Put on my pajamas
And eat myself a fluffernutter

Use no eggs, dairy or meat.
It’s not ethical argues young Pete.
No leather for boots,
No cheese for your soups,
Instead use hemp, tofu and wheat.

remember a story about that day
when this spider had frightened miss muffet away?
that spider was vegan
is what i’m believin
couldn’t watch her eating curds and whey

Isa taught us there’s much more than tofu
When meat and dairy you eschew
TV, blogs, and in print
folks are getting the hint
She’s got the best kitchen-based kung-fu

—-

There’s a bad-ass chef up in Brooklyn
Who’s mastered the cruelty free cookin.’
For her cupcakes I surrender
and go on a butter cream bender
I’ve made a shrine to put her next book in.

—-

?Vegan with a Vengeance? gave us the foundation
For cruelty free food preparation
Then came the cupcakes
Isa hasn’t put on the brakes
Veganomicon is now in publication

—-

A cat named Fizzle went on a mission
To improve the human condition
He went on the prowl
For a diet free of beast and fowl
And now he’s he star of our kitchen.

Vegan foods don’t contain animal parts.
‘Cause vegan people have really big hearts.
We care for the earth
And our middles’ girth
But the beans sometimes give us the farts.

These two vegans from Brooklyn
who are aces with cookin’
scribbled a tome
that I’d love to take home
so I can bake a pie to stick my fork in

There?s but one thing to blame for my lateness:
I?ve been farting non-stop since I ate this
Cute and peppery log
That’s on each vegan blog –
Curse you, Internet Seitan O’ Greatness!

OK… 2 more and then I must quit…

There once was a man from V-A
who eschewed even a small bit of whey
Corporations be damned
I’ll make food with my own hand
Just need a good book to help me on my way

There once was a vegan from Cork
who only ate meals with his fork
Chickpea soup kept running through
This just wouldn’t do
Now his favorite new tool is a spork

We vegans who choose to shun meat
often hear “so, what DO you eat?…”
Look! tacos, burgers, pizzas, pies,
soups, sammiches, curries and stir-frys!
Oh, and these cupcakes that cannot be beat.

There once was a guy named Larry
Who thought vegan food seemed a bit scary.
Then he cooked up a stew
from this mad Brooklyn Jew
Now he doesn’t even think about dairy.

we’ve got fruit, we’ve got veggies and grains
want some sauce or do you like yours plain?
oh yes, there’s more
permutations galore
veganomicon, that’s what it contains

–

90-plus limericks to beat
for this cookbook without any meat
no one’s here for ms. rowling
our stomachs are growling
for all your vegan foods to eat

Please answer this question, I beg.
Which came first?the chicken or egg?
But the question is moot
Since I don’t give a hoot
I’m a vegan. (Please pass me a leg.)

I once knew a vegan from Nantucket
Who brought home fried chicken in a bucket
She said “here’s the deal”
“With this KFC meal”
“It’s prolly not real meat, so fuck it!”

I came into work one day,
and the office hillbilly walked my way.
She asked if I wanted a pork rind,
I told her eating meat was unkind.
“Huh? I was loudly crunching a piece of fried pork fat, what did you say?”

Let us talk of the vegans of lore
With animals they had great rapport
But to the people who bleat
?My heavens, what do you eat??
We say, ?All and everything, you omnivore bore.?

It’s the book that has everyone talking
Hell, even the chickens are squawking
Cause tonight they’ll be safe
Not on anyones plate
Now they say, “Vegans… aren’t they just darling!”

Last I heard, chickens don?t grow on trees
And the fishes aren?t weeds in the seas.
Why must vegans repeat
that “it’s PLANTS that we eat??
Ignorance! It’s the Omni disease.

Asparagus Bok Choy and Chard
Being vegan is not really hard
Live life cruelty free
Scream “It’s tofu for me”
While feeling quite the avant-garde

I was standing one day in my kitchen,
So hungry my hands were a twitchen,
It’s lovely to heft
Isa’s writing so deft
Soon my belly held food that was bitchen

There once was a vegan from Spain
Who ate all of his tofu plain
‘Till a friend said, “Please join us,
In using the soy sauce,
And awaken your tasted buds again!”

If you ever scoffed at falafel
Or scorned the veganist waffle
I wonder how you can say
“you want meat everyday”
When to me your lard is quite awful

Take a hike, Ray, Batali and Deen
Two new chefs have arrived on the scene
With mad skills culinary:
It?s Isa and Terry!
(Hey Bourdain, go and suck your own ween!)

I know we get tired of all the questions
The Omni’s “helpful” misguided suggestions
We know what we should choose
From our meals to our shoes
And we have the better digestions

I once met a man from the coast
Who offered to share his lamb roast.
I said with chagrin,
“I don’t eat animal skin!”
Since then, he eats veggies and toast.

Okay 10 minutes left and there really is no clear winner. My favorites are from people I already know and that wouldn’t be fair, so I think I am just going to choose at random at 3 pm.

When I state I think tofu delicious
My dad begins to get vicious
he shoves meat down my throat
till i think i may choke
his death has become one of my wishes

Ha! Awesomes. I enjoyed everyone’s limericks muchlies for realz.

I’m past deadline, but big deal. I work at a newspaper, we have no need for deadlines!

Mike Sunburn posted about his trunks
After they looked more like nooch than junks
We pushed him to the doc,
Who recoiled in shock
And asked “Is swallowing considered vegan?”

SO whatcha gonna do?
Sit around, eating things that moo?
I don’t think you are,
‘Cause you’re a vegan Star.
Veganomicon, wrote by a Jew.

Ash has got it going on
With his brand spankin’ new Veganomicon
Bound in Lorica and ink of soy
All it needs is a bow
Clatto Verata Nicto

Wow! These Limericks were fun to read!

Hi Folks,

Trying for advice about which are the cheapest tooth whitening products to use?

It is difficult to source the correct information as far as I can see. One person tells you one thing and another place advises you something completely the opposite!
So, I thought the easiest thing to do is get real information from you folks as you might personal knowledge about these things.

All info would be very appreciated.

Thanks in advance people.

Just wanted to stop by and say thanks. Enjoy reading your stuff.

from my very non-vegan momma:

My family used to eat ham
Roast turkey and sushi and spam
But now I am achin’
To bring home the bacon
Their mouths are shut tight as a clam!

By the way, I have never eaten spam.