Makes 12 Zombies
Disclaimer: The PPK shall not be held responsible for any zombie transformations nor any injuries, losses, expenses, and damages that may occur as a result of zombie transformations while using this recipe. In rare instances, Zomberoni Pizza Faces have been known to bite back. Proceed at your own risk…
A horde approaches. All googly eyed, mouths agape, rotting teeth, and the stench! Oh, the stench! The stench is…it’s just so…wait. They actually smell pretty amazing! Like a pizza shop. But of course they do, they’re ZOMBERONI PIZZA FACES! Homemade pepperoni eyes, cashew cheeze sauce, pepper mouth and caper teeth. What’s not to love? Oh right, the fact that they will tear you from limb to limb leaving only a bloody oven mitt in the middle of the kitchen floor.
Watch this instructional video for some assembly help (keep the sound on, unless you’re at work, in which case you’ll be promptly be fired.)
~I used baby bell peppers for the perfect sized mouths. If you can’t find any, just fashion together two rounded bell pepper slices to create the mouth.
~It’s really difficult to eff this up. I mean, how can you? It’s a zombie! But if you like, practice making pizza faces on a plate before going the whole way on the english muffin.
~Unfortunately, the most famous brand of English muffin is not vegan. SAD FACE! But there are plenty of wonderful vegan varieties out there. I actually used a nice healthy sprouted grain English muffin from Ezekiel bread and it tastes faboo.
~If you find yourself really wanting a kitchen project, you can even make your own English Muffins. There are a million recipes out there, and I have one in Vegan Brunch. (I’m sure if you google a bit you can find my recipe for free!)
~For time management purposes, make the pepperoni a day in advance and remember to soak your cashews overnight! These will come together in a flash.
1/2 cup cooked pinto beans, rinsed and drained
1 cup vegetable broth
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 tablespoon tomato paste
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 1/4 cups vital wheat gluten
1/4 cup nutritional yeast
1 teaspoon granulated garlic
1 1/2 teaspoon anise seeds, crushed
1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 tablespoon smoked paprika
Lots of fresh black pepper
For the white sauce:
1 cup cashews, boiled
3/4 cup vegetable broth
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons nutritional yeast
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
Accoutrement and other ingredients:
6 English muffins
3 cups of your favorite marinara
12 fresh basil leaves
Sliced black olives
Baby bell peppers (see note above)
Before mixing your ingredients, get the steaming apparatus ready, bringing water to a full boil.
Have ready 4 square sheets of tin foil. In a large bowl, mash the beans until no whole ones are left. Throw all the other ingredients together in the order listed and mix with a fork. Divide dough into 4 even parts (an easy way to do this: split the dough in half and then into quarters).
Place one part of dough into tin foil and mold into about a 6-inch log. Wrap dough in tin foil, like a tootsie roll. Don’t worry too much about shaping it, it will snap into shape while it’s steaming because this recipe is awesome.
Place wrapped sausages in steamer and steam for 40 minutes, until firm. Remove from steamer and let cool completely before slicing. You’ll only need two of the pepperoni for this recipe.
Make the white sauce:
Drain the cashews.
Add all of the white sauce ingredients to the blender and purée until completely smooth, anywhere from 1 to 5 minutes depending on the strength of your machine.
It’s rather thick, so definitely scrape down the sides with a rubber spatula often to make sure you get everything.
Refrigerate until ready to use.
Assemble the Zomberonis (before they diassemble you!):
Preheat oven to 350 F.
Split the english muffins in half and spread them out in front of you. Spread a few tablespoons marinara on each muffin. Tear a basil leaf into small pieces and scatter over the marinara for a rotting flesh effect. Spoon on cashew sauce in kind of a swirly way (see video above).
Place two thinly sliced pepperonis where eyes might be, and place two thinly sliced olives in a googly sort of way.
Place a thinly sliced pepper for the mouth, with a few rotting caper teeth inside.
Arrange on a baking sheet and bake for about 10 minutes. Now your zombie is complete. Proceed with caution!!!!